2021-12-17
This blog/gemlog has opened my eyes to a certain aspect of my life: I tend to fall into a pattern and then just sort of live there for weeks at a time.
I really like writing here because it's social and it gives me perspective on a lot of things. And it's fun to share inane thoughts about random things sometimes. Keeping a regular public journal has challenges of course. One of them is figuring out what to write. I know I've written about this topic before, and the take away is that you should always write what you feel like writing.
But what if I really don't feel like writing about the things that are on my mind right now, because they're essentially the same things that were on my mind last week and the week before? I looked back at my posts about things I'm doing and things that are on my to do list, and guess what? They're virtually the same. From writing the first I have hardly made any progress until writing the second. I just removed some of the lower items because even if I want to do them I there's no benefit to keeping too much in my head at the same time.
What have I done for the past few weeks?
Without writing about my life and thoughts here I don't think it would become as obvious to me that I just am and do virtually nothing on my spare time.
This shouldn't be a problem; after all no person's value is measured in achievement and no time is better spent than the one you enjoy. It does, however, produce a certain amount of anxiety to want things done but not wanting to do them. I feel stuck, running in circles and trying to escape reality by watching almost anything Netflix recommends to me. If it was a sort of constructive anguish it would drive me to action. It isn't, which is why I try to escape it.
Stuck in a loop, having a hard time breaking out.
-- CC0 Björn Wärmedal